Dear Derek
by AiLing
Summary: Many years later- 19 year old Zola disovers the secret letters that Meredith has been writing to Derek. In those letters we see how Meredith and the rest are coping with Derek's demise. *Edited to add in a new letter*


**So I am just as devastated by Derek's death as you are. I feel like Patrick Dempsey deserved a better sendoff . However, part of me is glad that he left part of himself before he died, a final parting gift to Meredith, their third child. This is the reason why I love Grey's- it always evokes the deepest emotions in our hearts. **

**This is a futuristic fic- where their eldest daughter Zola discovers Meredith's diary- where she has been writing letters to Derek as a form of therapy to help her heal from the grief of losing him.**

**August 2028**

It was a dreary and rainy day in Seattle, with the wind howling outside. 19 year old Zola Sheperd, back home from college for her summer holidays was bored out of her mind. Sitting on the family couch, she has already flipped through every single channel on TV and to her disappointment there was nothing remotely interesting showing.

She was supposed to be babysitting her little sister who was actually not really a baby anymore. Ellis ( or rather known as Ellie) was in her room doing homework while their mom had been paged to an emergency surgery earlier on. Her brother Bailey was at a friend's house. The big house was eerily quiet. Zola switched off the TV and sat still on the couch. She glanced at an old photo next to the TV- a family photo showing her dad carrying her and her mom carrying newborn Bailey. She swears she could feel his presence with her whenever she goes, especially during those more defining moments in her life. She could feel him there with her comforting her when her first boyfriend broke up with her. She could see him smiling at her when she first learnt to drive a car. She could hear him say how beautiful she looked during prom night . She could feel him applauding her when she graduated from high school as a class valedictorian. Sometimes she wonders who will walk her down the aisle on her wedding day, if she ever got married. Even though the last time she saw him in person was when she was 5 years old, the image of him is always on her mind.

She goes to the playroom which has been converted to a study room as she and her siblings got older. Maybe she would find something interested to read there….a good novel or magazine. She sees the desk drawer slight ajar and the OCD in her proceeds to push it back in. Just then, something in the drawer catches her eye. It was a black book, rather dusty looking, but intrigued her nonetheless. Retrieving it from the drawer, she dusted off the pile of dust collecting on the covers.

As she opened the book , she notices the familiar scrawl of her mother's handwriting. The pages were turning slightly yellow, and some of the pages were slightly torn at the edges. She turned the pages at random until she stopped at a particular page…

_Dear Derek,_

_It has been a month since you're gone. I still miss you every single moment of the day. They say that there is no time limit to grief. I hold your Dartmouth Tshirt to sleep every single night. I stare at your side of the bed which is empty now, willing you to suddenly appear in person lying next to me. Zola asks me daily where you are and when are you coming home. Initially I told her that you were coming home soon. But last week I just couldn't take it anymore, and told her that you're never coming home anymore. When she asked tearily why, I said that you are in heaven now looking down on us. In a way, I believe that it's true, you're in heaven watching over us. Bailey on the other hand, has been fussier than usual. He cries all day calling 'Dada'- I think even he senses that something is wrong and misses you. Sometimes at night when the children are asleep, I stay awake and think of you and the fond memories we shared together. Our first encounter, the elevator conversations, the ferryboats. The house of candles. You saving me from drowning. The proposal. And our post it vows. When you first introduced me to Zola and was convinced that we needed to adopt her. When Bailey was born. I allow myself to shed some tears then, alone in our room in the middle of the night. But I have to be strong Derek, I have to stay strong for our 3 children. Yes, three Derek. I just found out today that I'm pregnant again. Remember the night before you left for good- you said you wanted more? Our last night together- it was magical, and we made another baby. You got what you wanted Derek. I know you must be overjoyed over the news, of being a parent again. I just wish I can actually see your reaction to this. You didn't leave me alone Derek, you left a part of yourself in me. _

She turned several more pages, until she came across another entry. She remembers vividly the day her little sister Ellie was born. It scared her to see her mother lying in a pool of blood on the floor and thinking that she would lose her mother too. She didn't know how she did it- but she managed to dial 911 and save her mother and her sister that day.

_Dear Derek,_

_I know it has been a while since I've written, but I really have got a lot on my plate- with Zola and Bailey and the new baby. Yes, we have a new baby Derek, a new person who is half me and half you. It's a girl Derek, which made Zola very happy as she has always wanted a sister. I'm sure you are overjoyed too, you have mentioned to me several times how you would love another little princess to spoil rotten. She would've had you wrapped around her little finger. Her name is Ellis ( I know Derek you are having a kick out of me naming her after my mom), and she looks just like you. Although she is still too small to have your hair, I think she has your face and eyes. I wish you could see her Derek. Oh but I'm sure you're looking down and smiling at her from whenever you are. She is your final gift to me, Derek. Thank you for her._

Several more pages down and another entry caught her attention.

_Dear Derek,_

_I am now back in Seattle with our children. I feel like I am ready to take on a new life again, this much I owe you. I know that you are proud of me for moving on as you would've wanted. Today is my first day back at work in Seattle, Zola and Bailey are in daycare, and Ellie is with Maggie. As I put on your ferryboat scrub cap, I know that I have to continue your legacy. Your sister Amelia also has to carry your legacy as the legendary neurosurgeon Dr. Sheperd. You know, she just lashed out at me today not informing her before letting you go. She said I robbed her of the chance to say goodbye to you. I don't know what to answer her Derek, I realize that it's my fault for not informing her. She is now blaming herself and angry at the world. Owen told me he caught her almost using again. I realize now that he is the one for her, he can be there for her when I can't. Everyone at the hospital is also grieving over you in their own way- Arizona lashed out at someone who belittled you. Callie had a patient who could walk as a result of one of your inventions and she remembered you. You are still alive in our hearts Derek._

And more pages down.. Zola remembers this day, she and Sofia were the flower girls.

_Dear Derek,_

_I just got back from Alex and Wilson's wedding. It was magical. I am so proud of Alex, of how far he's come. If you were here, you would have a few words of wisdom for him too. I do believe Jo Wilson is the right one for him. Oh did you know that they are going to be parents in 6 months time? You should be proud of your sister too Derek, Owen just proposed to her at the wedding and she said yes! I wish them all a lifetime of happiness. But right now Derek, I wish I can have a lifetime of happiness with you too…_

Several more pages down….

_Derek,_

_I really wish you were here today. Zola just came back from school today in tears- saying that her classmates were taunting her for not having a dad and not looking the same as her mom. She said ' Mommy, Stephanie's mom told her that I am adopted and that I am not your actual daughter. Is it true?' Derek, my heart just broke right there and then. How cruel children are nowadays. I told her that it doesn't matter whether she came from my womb or not, I and her daddy will always love her. In fact, we love her even more as we chose her. She seemed happy with my answer. Bailey has been throwing his sister's stuff around and Ellie has been fusier than usual. At times like this I wonder whether I can do this. Derek, please tell me that I can._

Zola felt tears forming at her eyes at this entry. She remembered the day she was being teased and taunted at school. It wasn't a pleasant memory. But this only cemented the fact that her parents actually loved her as much as her siblings even if she wasn't biologically theirs.

Many more pages down...

_Derek, today Zola graduated as a class valedictorian from her high school. You should see her Derek, in her cap and gown, I'm sure you're as proud of her as I am. She is applying to several top colleges around the country, she wants to be a neurosurgeon like her dad and aunt Amy, as according to her, the world needs more world class neurosurgeons to save lives. Bailey and Ellie too are growing up to be wonderful individuals of their own. Bailey is in the school football team and is popular especially among girls. in school. Ellie- she has always been the top of her class and is such an obedient girl. Just as Bailey looks just like me, she looks just like you. I know you're proud of all three of them._

_Derek I now truly believe that I'll be alright, that we'll be fine._

Just then, the front door opens and Meredith appears in the hallway. Zola quickly places the diary back in the drawer and goes to the living room to great her mom.

' Hey Zola- is everything ok at home? Where is Ellie?' Meredith smiles at her eldest daughter.

' Good. Ellie is in her room doing homework. How's work today?' Zola replies.

' Nothing interesting- just a perforated appendicitis and intestinal obstruction' Meredith shrugs.

'Mom- I love how you mention these procedures it so nonchalantly like it's nothing special.' Zola laughs.

Meredith grins in reply.

'Mom can I ask you a question?' Zola now has a solemn expression in her eyes.

' Do you miss Dad?'

Meredith swallows before replying softly ' Yes, Zola. Every single day. But I know that he is watching over us every day . And I know even though he can't be with us in person, he'll always be with us in spirit, in our hearts. He left behind pieces of himself in each of us.'

Meredith then takes out an old photo album and begins showing Zola some old pictures of her and Derek and Zola and Bailey. She knows that together they'll make it.

**Hope you enjoy- read and review please! **


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